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I hope you find great value in these Funny Marriage Quotes from my large collection of inspirational and motivational quotes and sayings.
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
Related topics: Funny Marriage
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man
take which course he will,
he will be sure to repent.
- Socrates
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times,
always with the same person.
- Germaine Greer
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Marriage is neither heaven nor hell,
it is simply purgatory.
- Abraham Lincoln
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
There is more of good nature than of good sense
at the bottom of most marriages.
- Henry David Thoreau
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
- Anonymous
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -
a practice which is still continued.
- Helen Rowland
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous
Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous
There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]
One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband
a month before she marries him
and what she thinks of him a year afterward,
and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx
One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde
I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous
Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer
Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar
You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde
Laugh Loud - Laugh Often
Laugh At What's Funny - Laugh At What's Sad
Laugh At Me - Laugh At You - Laugh At Life
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw
Today is your day to laugh at life,
laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad,
laugh loud - laugh often,
laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
When you think you're out of time,
smile, and turn back the clock.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A person with a new idea is
a crank until the idea succeeds.
- Mark Twain
Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
- Mark Twain
We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks-
if we agree with him.
- Mark Twain
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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